


What It Is

by Cumberbatch Critter (ivelostmyspectacles)



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Character Development, Character Study, Gen, TsubasaChronicleMonth, the rest of the characters are there for a second
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 14:52:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10833537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/Cumberbatch%20Critter
Summary: The coat is more than a coat to Fai.





	What It Is

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm not really active in TRC anymore but I couldn't NOT write something for Fai's day. Can also be found on Tumblr.
> 
> I do not own _Tsubasa_! Thanks for reading!

His coat is like a shield.

For all intents and purposes, it could easily be called that. It’s big enough that he can wear it around him like a shroud - and that, too, is a good descriptor. A shroud. If only anyone knew him, they would understand.

But he cannot let them. That is too dangerous, and he doesn’t know them, so he fidgets with his hood as he stands in the Dimensional Witch’s yard in the pouring rain, and he uses his coat as a shield.

He cannot let them in. He cannot let them see. He is too dangerous. He is cursed. He can shroud himself in that coat, blue and white, bright and innocent as though untouched by the dark magic that gave him his life, and he can hide. He doesn’t have to face anyone. He can’t fathom getting close to anyone again. He couldn’t handle the inevitable downfall.

Coat, on. Mask, up. The fur on the hood tickles his face, and he lets the sleeves fall down over his hands.

His coat is like a sword.

It gives him the strength to be able to go on, because it reminds me of what he has lost. They had had coats similar to this one, he and his brother, when they were younger. Not identical, but Celes has a certain sort of fashion sense, he supposes, and this coat reminds him of his brother.

It reminds him of what he has lost, of how he lost it, and how he needs to keep pushing on. Maybe, just maybe, if he tries hard enough, he can atone for his mistakes. He can make his lost brother proud of him, somehow. Make _anyone_  proud of him. Maybe, _just_  maybe, he can find a way to bring his brother back.

It’s a fantasy. It’s a fool’s errand. But Fai has never been anything if not that, so he keeps struggling on. The coat reminds him of who he was. It reminds him of what he might be able to be again.

His coat is like a fantasy.

For all the same reasons that it’s like a sword, something that gives him reason and will to fight, the idea of atoning, of redeeming himself, or his brother… those are ridiculous. Those are as ridiculous as how naked Fai feels when the coat is taken from him, and he’s in clothes that he frankly does love, the fashion and fit and colours, but it’s not his _coat_. He can’t keep himself wrapped in that fantasy if he doesn’t have it on, and he needs it. He _needs_  it.

His coat is like a memory.

It’s as fleeting as any dream, there in his grasp and then gone, like smoke through his fingers. He can bury his face into his coat and pretends it’s their coats of old, of younger days, and that it’s his brother’s coat that he has, and if he breathes deeply enough, he can smell him, hear him, feel him, _that he is there_ …

Fleeting. Foolish. Fantasy.

Stupid, he’s so _stupid_.

His coat is like a reminder.

Fai can’t get out of it fast enough when they land in Nihon. There’s blood everywhere. White stained red, and the pictures playing over and over in his head: wanting to save his new family, wanting to _die_ , Kurogane reaching over and- and-

Bile burns the back of his throat, he falls to his knees. He very nearly does the same thing when the coat is given back to him, like new, when things have settled. He doesn’t know if the citizens have cleaned it, or if a more magical approach has been used, and he doesn’t care. He sees Kurogane sacrificing his strength for him.

It takes a little longer for him to see the reason _why_  Kurogane had done that.

His coat is… _hope_.

Somehow, when the warmth is enveloping his body and he cracks his eyes open to find Syaoran and Sakura tucking the coat around him, it is. He has changed. His life had changed. Somehow, he has redeemed himself. He has atoned, if only slightly. He has discovered the warmth and love of letting people in again. He has discovered how not to utterly be terrified of doing that.

“Oh no, did we wake you up?” Sakura asks, worried, and Fai shakes his head.

“Nah.”

“Yeah, right,” Kurogane grunts. “Go back to sleep, mage.”

Well, he’s still utterly terrified. But he can’t imagine life any different than this. He can’t imagine having not gotten close to these people, his family. They accept him. They _accept_ him. He doesn’t _have_  to be alone.

Now that he’s aware enough to think about it, his brother probably wouldn’t have wanted him to be in the first place.

Fai hums sleepily and pulls his makeshift blanket up. He snuggles into it with the knowledge that he no longer has to hide within it. Somehow, it’s hope.

Things really do change.


End file.
